


Depression and Lies, a Relative Truth.

by Sun_Spark



Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Additional Warnings In Author's Note, Angst, Anorexia, Bruises, Creativity | Roman "Princey" Sanders Angst, Deceit Sanders - Freeform, Depression, Gen, Good Deceit, Lies, Logan Snaders, Misunderstandings, Other, Patton Sanders - Freeform, Protective Patton, Roman Sanders - Freeform, Sanders Sides - Freeform, Virgil Sanders - Freeform, mentioned - Freeform, not detailed, relative truth, self-deprecating thoughts, sympathetic deceit
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-17
Updated: 2018-07-17
Packaged: 2019-06-12 01:51:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,757
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15329058
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sun_Spark/pseuds/Sun_Spark
Summary: The Truth is Relative, and Deceit knows this, especially when Depression comes to play. Or, depression affects all the sides differently, Roman gets the worst of it and Deceit helps him cope.





	Depression and Lies, a Relative Truth.

**Author's Note:**

> Please read.
> 
> This will explore Depression and how it affects the sides. Deceit is a good guy here and helps Roman with it, though the others don't understand this at first.
> 
> Warnings: Depression, self-deprecating thoughts, lies, mentions of anorexia (not in detail), Deceit, Sympathetic Deceit, bruising, mental condition affecting physical body. 
> 
> Notes: This is based on my own experience with depression and my struggle to avoid becoming fully anorexic, as well as my realization the other day that the truth is very relative, especially within the mind of someone with depression. I don’t speak for everyone, this is merely based on my experiences with these issues, no one else’s.

Depression may hide the truth, but far worse it may alter what its victim considers to be a lie.

It was the voice that whispered and screamed into the depths of a person’s mind, telling them lies until a point comes when it no longer needs to lie, for to its victim, truth and lie had been reversed.

It affected all the sides without exception, though merely in differing ways.

To Logan it whispered that everything was pointless, that all of his goals were out of reach and he would never learn all he needed to, much less what he wished to. That there was no use in trying. And it continued, to and beyond the point when Logan would become fatigued, body hurting from unexplainable exhaustion.

In Patton’s ear were recountings of bad memories and whispers that he would always fail. Sinister voices that insisted he would never be good enough, couldn’t be since he always hid negative emotions behind a fake smile. In time Patton’s eyes would grow dull, his smile faker, a pain settling in his chest as motivation and joy were drowned under a torrent of sorrow.

Anxiety is called a symptom of Depression by doctors far and wide, when reality in minds like Thomas’s is that Depression heightens anxiety, rather than cause it. Virgil perhaps puts up the most fight against the voices echoing in his head, instincts to protect the other sides and their host winning out for a time. And so it was these instincts that Depression used against him, reiterating that life is pointless, that he could never be good enough, could never protect them, that they and Thomas would be better off without him to cause problems. Depression whispers and screams until fight-or-flight has turned to self-loathing, until tear tracks show on shadows no longer caused by makeup, and red crescents mar the insides of palms.

Despite all this, it is Roman who suffers the most. Creativity is a master at imagining anything he’s told, and the Ego is most easily bruised. Facades of grandeur hide insecurities, shielding fragile self-worth, but Depression slips under these shields easily. It is Roman who gets the most variety, each statement a well-placed dagger:

_“You can never create anything good enough for Thomas.”_

_"You’re hideous and shouldn’t eat so much.”_

_“You will always fail at protecting the others.”_

_“How can you protect the others when you hurt Virgil? You’re pathetic and weak.”_

_“Don’t eat that, you’ll just get fatter.”_

_“Idiot, you didn’t eat today, go eat something!”_

_“Now you’ve eaten too much.”_

_“All your creations are flawed and horrible.”_

_“You’re a burden. The others would be better off without you.”_

_“They don’t love you, they never will.”_

On and on it went, no lack of insecurities to be attacked, and Roman took it the worst. While Logan became fatigued and couldn’t think, while Patton drowned in sorrow, while Virgil fought not to end it all and never slept, Roman bruised.

Whoever coined the phrase “bruised ego” couldn’t have known how right they were. Normally when an idea was criticized or an insult was thrown at him by Virgil or Logan he came away with tiny discolorations in green and yellow, perhaps in blue and purple, spanning his chest and back and sometimes down his arms, they didn’t know and he kept it hidden…..But Depression was a worse hell. Every comment, every barb and insult from Depression, said in his own voice no less, left large splotches small as fists and large as soccer balls scattered over chest and back, arms and legs. Muted shades of yellow and green, blue and purple, black and red blooming like wrathful flowers. Harsher jabs and crueler words made them spread beyond his torso and limbs, coloring his face and neck.

Worse yet? Roman listened. Roman Sanders was malnourished and underweight, skin almost always a patchwork of bruises, eyes tired and sore from tears, all packed away and hidden behind a blinding smile and a grand princely façade. It was a smile he tried to practice in the mirror, as he did all of his more difficult roles, but the mirror was a dangerous thing, for when he could see his own reflection the voice gained in strength. Mirrors became an unhealthy addiction.

This is where we find the role of Deceit Sanders. Depression afflicts him as well, crowing that he’ll never be loved nor accepted like Virgil, that all he can do is harm the others and Thomas, but strangely, it doesn’t affect him quite as bad.

Depression is a personal hell silent outside your own head….with rare exception.

The others had long ago figured out that Deceit always knew when they lied, but they did not yet know the extent of his strange sixth sense. See, Deceit knew something the others hadn’t quite figured out yet: Truth was a funny thing, and in the realm of one’s own mind the facts cease to matter where the truth is concerned. He was not only aware of anytime the facts were outright denied or twisted, but also of anytime the “truth” was distorted.

Deceit Sanders could only lie to whomever he was speaking to, could only tell them what they would not believe….but he did not always speak in lies when doing so.

This is why part of his role was to care for the others, to protect them. And this is why he once again found himself appearing in Roman’s room while the other was standing before his mirror, gazing sadly at his own shirtless reflection.

“Roman.”

The creative trait did not turn to him but the flinching of his shoulders indicated that he had been heard. Deceit stepped forward slowly, each step accompanied by a statement spoken softly.

_“Roman. You are important.”_ Step.

_“Your creations are wonderful.”_ Step.

_“You are good enough.”_ Step.

**_"Roman…”_**

He was behind the other now and he gently wrapped his arms around the princely trait, forehead resting between trembling shoulder blades.

_“You are beautiful. You are not overweight nor grotesque. You are incredible.”_

And so he continued for a time that may have been minutes or hours, continuing until he felt the malevolent presence abusing his ability lessen and the royal’s shoulder were shaking with silent tears. At this point the half snake trait lifted his head, rested his chin on Roman’s shoulder, and met brown eyes with his own mismatched ones in the mirror.

**_“You are loved.”_ **

Roman’s eyes remained on his own in the mirror, though Deceit suspected the creative side could no longer see him for the tears running from his eyes. 

Deceit would have stayed there, repeating words similar to these until Roman had cried himself to sleep, but he knew that was not to be when he heard the door open, a falsely happy voice calling the prince’s name.

“Roman I- !” Patton cut off abruptly at the sight of Deceit with his arms around a quietly sobbing Roman, mismatched eyes meeting his own from within an expressionless face. Anger lit the moral trait’s features and he stalked forward, grasping Deceit’s wrist roughly and drawing Roman to him more gently, practically dragging them both out the door, questions of concern falling from his lips directed toward Roman who did not answer. He dragged them, or rather dragged Deceit and carried Roman, out to the commons, disturbing both Logan and Virgil. He pulled Deceit to stand by the couch harshly before releasing him, settling a still crying Roman on the couch as the others came closer in alarm.

In the light Patton saw the sprawling nebulae of bruising and he turned to Deceit angrily while Logan attempted to ascertain the severity of the injuries.

“What did you do?!!” Patton was glaring at him furiously, but Deceit did not respond.

A whimper from Roman at a particularly painful prod from Logan sent the fatherly trait scrambling onto the couch to wrap his arms gently around Roman. Logan fetched some wraps and ice and ignored everyone while he applied them to the worst of the bruising. Virgil merely watched the deceptive trait in silent consideration.

Patton was running a hand through Roman’s hair repetitively, attempting to comfort him while he spoke to Deceit.

“Why would you do this to Roman?! What did you even do to cause this short of beating him?!!”

Deceit shrugged with one shoulder, tamping down his emotions. 

“I did **_not_** tell him that he is important and loved.”

Virgil still had his eyes trained on him shrewdly and he raised a brow curiously, voice oddly calm in all of this. “A, how the hell could you tell him that since you can only lie, and B, why the hell would that hurt him?”

Deceit stared at Virgil helplessly, trying to figure out how to explain, but Patton gave him no chance, anger overwhelming the normally soft heart.

“It doesn’t matter! He can’t just do something like this to Roman! I don’t know what the heck we ever did to you- !”

Something in Deceit snapped and he leaned down swiftly, grasping the moral trait’s jaw in his hand, making him fall silent and forcing him to look at him. Logan eyed him warily while Virgil took a single step forward on reflex, still watching and assessing. Deceit payed them no mind as Patton fell silent and glared into Deceit’s mismatched eyes. Deceit had had enough.

“I caused this.” He let that sink in a moment, seeing Patton’s eyes widen. “The truth is **_not_** relative. I can **_not_** only speak to one of you what you believe to be a lie.” He saw Logan’s expression turn to one of mild shock as understanding dawned on him, but he kept his eyes on Patton’s. “I did **_not_** tell Roman that he is beautiful, **_nor_** did I tell him that his ideas and creations are wonderful, **_nor_** did I tell him that he is loved.”

He stared Patton in the eye for a moment, seeing surprise and guilt mingle in brown orbs, before releasing the other’s jaw and turning on his heel, not giving time for a response. 

He met Virgil’s eyes as he passed and saw the other watching him in an appraising and calculating manner. He walked on, told himself that it _**didn’t**_ matter, that he _**didn’t**_ care. And if, as he walked away, a little voice in the back of his head told him that they would never accept him or love him….well, he ignored it. The truth is relative after all.


End file.
